A few years back, I had become friendly with a very good-looking guy. We worked together, and sometimes we'd have lunch. It was during one of those lunches, that we started talking about wanting marriage and kids.
The age difference between us was more than ten years, me being older, and we friend-zoned each other. Stupid, you might think, if we were both wanting the same thing. But we had asked each other about our "types". It turned out, that despite how handsome he was, he didn't fit the usual look of the men I'd attract (as opposed to the ones I liked). I wasn't his type either.
We actually friend-zoned ourselves, not each other! But, we could talk pretty freely about what men and women want, and what we might be doing right or wrong in certain circumstances.
It's great having a friend of the opposite sex (when you're straight), to have a relationship sounding board. I've been lucky enough to have a few.
So, I've lived in a world where guys stop approaching women once we're past 29ish. It's like our biological clock tells the rest of our body to stop being attractive, and women become invisible.
On the other hand, men don't. The more salt- and-peppery their hair, the more women fancy them.
That doesn't seem fair!
One day, my friend said that he didn't know what women would want anymore. He said that he didn't know what he had to offer. I was a bit taken aback. Like I said before, he's a good-looking rooster! 🐓 He's also a terrific guy, who is warm and good-natured, with a fine mind and sense of humour too.
He didn't know what he had to offer a woman??
I discovered that he was fixating on all the things that a man used to provide in the old days, like a home and car and financial security. He was stuck thinking that all the women that he would find interesting, would be highly educated with great jobs, who would be completely self-sufficient.
He felt obsolete.
Hopefully, I helped him realise that it's not the "things" that are important in a relationship, but how two people value the same things.
For example, some people think that Valentine's Day should be celebrated, complete with the exchange of romantic cards with heartfelt loving words, thoughtfully chosen and presented gifts, and a romantic dinner out somewhere special. Others think it's a great big marketing trap.
If one partner represents the first example, while the other represents the second, there's a disconnect between their values. They value the same thing (that is - thoughts, words, and actions) differently, and that might be a deal-breaker (or not).
It could be something big, like managing money; or something much smaller, like leaving your toothbrush on the basin.
What's really at stake, though, is how we value ourselves and each other, when we're in a relationship.
So, in answer to my friend's concern, I told him that the right kind of woman for him won't be looking for a provider. She'll be looking for someone to share life with. She'll appreciate who he is as a person, and admire him for his sense of purpose. She'll cherish his warmth and humour, and absolutely love his fantastic hugs.
She'll want a family, and trust him to be a faithful husband and stable father. And she'll have healthy conversations with him about the important stuff, and easy chats about all the other stuff.
She will get his fluctuations in energy and mood, and learn how to "just be" ...
What is she looking for, that he has to offer?
Yes, he's still looking for " The One". And still a catch!